**** The Cheese Shop Sketch **** **** Transcribed from "The Instant Monty Python Record Collection" **** **** by Malcolm Dickinson ( CLARINET@YALEVM.BITNET ) 4/4/86 **** **** Spelling corrected by Burr ( WEST@YALEVM.BITNET ) to the best of **** **** his ad hoc abilities **** *** The Cheese Shoppe *** (a customer walks in the door.) Customer: Good Morning. Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man. Owner: What can I do for you, Sir? C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish. O: Peckish, sir? C: Esuriant. O: Eh? C: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike! O: Ah, hungry! C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles! O: Come again? C: I want to buy some cheese. O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player! C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse! O: Sorry? C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! O: So he can go on playing, can he? C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man. O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like? C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester. O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir. C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday. C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please. O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning. C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese? O: Sorry, sir. C: Red Windsor? O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. C: Ah. Stilton? O: Sorry. C: Ementhal? Gruyere? O: No. C: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance. O: No. C: Lipta? O: No. C: Lancashire? O: No. C: White Stilton? O: No. C: Danish Brew? O: No. C: Double Goucester? O:
No. C: Cheshire? O: No. C: Dorset Bluveny? O: No. C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson? O: No. C: Camenbert, perhaps? O: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir. C: (suprised) You do! Excellent. O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny... C: Oh, I like it runny. O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir. C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah! O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. C: I DON'T CARE HOW F***ING RUNNY IT IS. HAND IT OVER WITH ALL SPEED. O: Oooooooooohhh........! C: What now? O: The cat's eaten it. C: Has he. O: She, sir. (pause) C: Gouda? O: No. C: Edam? O: No. C: Case Ness? O: No. C: Smoked Austrian? O: No. C: Japanese Sage Darby? O: No, sir. C: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you? O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-- C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. O: Fair enough. C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale. O: Yes? C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that! O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name. (pause) C: Greek Feta? O: Uh, not as such. C: Uuh, Gorgonzola? O: no C: Parmesan, O: no C: Mozarella, O: no C: Paper Cramer, O: no C: Danish Bimbo, O: no C: Czech sheep's milk, O: no C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? O: Not *today*, sir, no. (pause) C: Aah, how about Cheddar? O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world! O: Not 'round here, sir. C: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah? O: 'Illchester, sir. C: IS it. O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire. C: Is it. O: It's our number one best seller, sir! C: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh? O: Right, sir. C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'. O: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? O: Finest in the district! C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. O: Well, it's so clean, sir! C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.... O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir. C: Would it be worth it? O: Could be.... C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF! O: Told you sir.... C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger? O: No. C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me: O: Yessir? C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all. O: Yes,sir. C: Really? (pause) O: No. Not really, sir. C: You haven't. O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir. C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. O: Right-O, sir. The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner. C: What a *senseless* waste of human life.