From: JC@rmc.bitnet (John Coughlin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: British Compaq advertisement
Keywords: true, funny, computer
Date: 19 Apr 90 23:30:20 GMT

(Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)

Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.

In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline. We suggest you skip it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should simply FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. If you haven't got time to read the ad, SIMPLY FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. On your way to POST THE COUPON you may pass a COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY A COMPAQ. This will save you the price of a stamp.

HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM. Buy two greyhounds, name one COMPAQ and the other IBM. Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on old socks stuffed with rabbit droppings. After a month, enter both in the 3.30 at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30% faster than IBM. Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided, but gives the same result as racing the computers in your office.

PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS. (Picture of statue w/o arms or legs is shown at left.) This is what happens to computer operators who lose all the data on an important disk. Protect yourself with a built-in tape back-up safety system. Too bad if you own an IBM or some other make, only COMPAQ computers have them.

SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD. Sorry. Wrong. Terribly sorry. Sorry to disappoint those of you who were hoping for something titillating, but this whole section is in fact the result of a silly spelling mistake. Instead of softwear, please read software. Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which you will find listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers. So sorry.

WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.

BYTES OF RAM. The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM. IBM's PC AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble. Cheez, even our carry-away Portable does 2.6 megabytes.

THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR. At last, a monitor lizard that can display both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen. IBM's (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics. More details from our sales reptiles. Contact them on 01-940 8860.

SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1. Let one ant equal one byte of information. COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little blighters, (30,000,000 more than IBM can). Now calculate how many ants are needed to fill the great pyramid of Giza.


______________________________________________________________________ | | | TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR. | | I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are | | more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual| | mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good, | | otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it | | COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny | | bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got | | absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always | | knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger | | so rush me more details of your marvelous computers. | | | | Name _______________________________________________________________ | | Company_____________________________________________________________ | | Inside Leg_________________ Favourite Singer_______________________ | | Address_____________________________________________________________ | | | | AMAZING FREE OFFER. We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY | | FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds. | | | | ( ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle. | |______________________________________________________________________|

-- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to Anything that is not a joke submission goes to